children: their needs and greed

Christmas Eve 2006, late afternoon
Me: I don't think I have enough for Keiran.
Dave: of course you have enough for him. He has so many other gifts from family members too.
Me: But he's only asked for a robot and thinks Santa is bringing it to him.
Dave: He'll be fine.
Me: He'll be so sad and disappointed.
Dave: Do you want me to go and find a robot (looking at watch nervously)
Me: Would ya? (flashing eye lids at him daintily)
Dave: Hmmmm. (grabbing keys and sneaking out the door)
Me: okay, everything's going to be okay now.

Dave came home an hour later with this monstrosity to give to Keiran from Santa. Why did I fall prey to that last minute Christmas present panic? It's simple: I didn't want Keiran to wake up on the 25th and be disappointed that Santa didn't hear his wishes.

While this toy did plaster a beaming smile on Keiran's face when he discovered it by the fireplace, his joy was subdued after it took us an hour to get the thing out of the plastic wrap and plastic, needing-the-jaws-of-life-to-open-it, tie thingies. Finally the batteries were in and he started to play with it. Fast forward to November 2008 and he has played with this toy about 15 times in total. Maybe that's what you get giving an electronic toy to a waldorf kid or maybe it's just too much of a toy for him. We tried to sell it at our yard sale this summer for $75 but no one was interested.

What I did learn during from that Christmas panic of '06 was to stop listening to the worried voices in my head. Sure he would have been a little disappointed not to have a robot waiting for him but what if he had opened this instead. Would he have been okay? I think he would have.

Cerys has her eye on a new bike. She has outgrown of her $5.00 yard sale schwinn bike and needs something bigger. We looked locally but there wasn't anything of interest. We went to REI in Seattle and she fell in love with this one. I copied down the details, came home, tried to tune out Cerys's whining that she has to have this bike and started searching for one on Craig's List. No luck and Cerys's whining wasn't getting any quieter. I sat her down and talked about the wonderful feeling of actually wanting something and waiting to get it. She looked confused at me. I explained that when I want something I save up my money and when the time is right I purchase it. You know, the not-the-instant-gratification kind of feeling that we thrifters know and love. She shook her eight year old head at me.

I think she got the idea when she started rattling off ideas of how to earn money. I could sell my art to you she told me. I replied, How about you sell to people outside of the family. She left the room, the wheels of her mind turning.

She hadn't stopped talking about her bike and her hope to get it for an early Christmas present. When did Christmas involve "early" gifts?

Of course I wanted to buy it for her when I first saw her doing laps at REI. Something inside of us  creates this need to want to give our children what they want. Not to spoil them intentionally but to see that undying love smile that they send our way when we fulfill their dreams. And that sweet little hug that goes along with the "mama, I love you so much" whisper. Maybe that's my greed of wanting to see that.

Saturday I found this at a yard sale for $20.00.

It's a little too big, a little rusty, the kickstand isn't perfect and it's a cheaper brand. I brought it out of the van and Cerys pushed Keiran out of the way as she ran to it. She jumped on, nearly fell off, found her balance and started riding the bike with a delighted expression across her face.

Cerys was talking about the issues the bike has on the way to school yesterday vs the new bike waiting for her at REI. I said to her that this bike saved us $200.00. I asked her if she could overlook her used bike's issues for that alone. She smiled and said that she was cool with it.

While this is a long, drawn out story I just wanted to share that children do accept the lessons that we teach them with frugality. Even subtle ones like this bicycle tale. Cerys was able to experience wanting, longing, having and contentment without having to spend $219 for the Novara bike.

I don't know if I would have not bought the bicycle. I'm human and I still have that feeling of wanting to not disappoint her. I'm relieved that I can go back to our small Christmas that includes less gifts than ever before. I have nearly everything for Cerys that includes some 2nd hand American Girl items. I've been picking up stocking stuffers this fall from yard sales. I don't have hardly anything for Keiran yet but I promise you all that there will be no more Dec 24th last minute toy buying trips. This Christmas is going to be thrifty, simple and frugal. With those three ingredients, hopefully we can put the soul back into Christmas.

Comments

[Marguerite]

Such a lovely story! I wouldn't have done too well in the Waldorf way (taught myself to read at 2, so I'd have been frustrated with the no-reading thing, for a start!), but I love their emphasis on the hands-on part of things. And the festivals, of course. We're trying to teach some young nephews about the value of thriftiness (hard to, when their parents don't exemplify it, but gotta do something to let them know you're not buying the fancy name-brand stuff they want for Christmas!), and I understand how hard it is!

[Cassandra]

Thank you for this lesson. It's a good one to hear and take to heart.

[amanda o]

great story and a wonderful lesson!

[Amy]

Thank you so much for posting this. It reminded me not to worry about the craziness and focus on what really matters to me.

[Elizabeth Fedorko]

Awesome story!~~~XXOO, Beth

[Amanda]

What a great story! It is so easy to focus on the "getting" and not the "giving". I was an only child and my mother always tried to recreate her Christmases with me, making them too large for one child and exhausting when I only wanted to play with my beloved Cabbage Patch Doll (a preemie named Olympia). This year I pulled the brakes on Christmas and we agreed that we would sew or knit each other gifts. I am going to make her Anouk from Knitty.com and also some tipless gloves from Holiday Knits book. She is making me a beautiful bag to haul my lunch in every day - so I don't have to destroy more paper bags. And then a secret gift that she refuses to tel me about.

this is my first year with a child who "gets" what happens on Christmas and I want to also teach him about these lessons. Homemade super hero capes for all!

[Charity]

My oldest daughter had been saving money up for a particular brand of hoodie - we were shopping in a much lower end store, and she found one on clearance for about 10% of the cost that she was saving. I encouraged her to buy it, and later, when she told me how happy she was with it, I asked her if the brand name sweater would have been 10 times better. I saw the mental "click" in her eyes - she got it! It's so wonderful to see this process take place, to watch that lesson sink in. :0)

[knittinandnoodlin]

Oh, I know all about the "OMG the piles of gifts are not even!" panic. I hate that feeling of knowing that there are too many presents to begin with but still thinking there aren't enough.

Now that my munchkins are older, we've been able to talk about what would be truly meaningful gifts from Santa vs. Santa leaving piles of stuff they didn't ask for or want.

I'm glad to see a lot of people starting to explore what the holidays can be without all of the blind consumerism! Thanks for posting this! =)

[Tonya]

Yes, kids do get those lessons about frugality. I know I did when I was growing up. Not that there aren't a few things that they won't really wish they had gotten, or are really hoping to still get. But when you've made some frugal decisions on other things it's possible to spring for those few items. They're kids after all, and a little spoiling at Christmastime is to be expected.
p.s. that robot is scary! i'd be intimidated by it.

[Cass Ward]

Thanks for this, my daughter is contiually asking for things for Christmas but I know on the day she will be happy with whatever santa has left so I am trying to curb my "I don't have enough" feelings

[Christine]

How great Cerys loves the bike even though it wasn't the one she initially wished for.
My kids are still a bit small for explicit wishes, and daughter only asked for a "cuddly icecream" she saw at the petshop.
I just clicked on a link to the 10 favorite toys for the holidays and they were all electronic and noisy. I hated all 10 of them!
Over here, we celebrate "Sinterklaas" on the 5th of December , he's a man who used to be a saint and gave everything away. Other than that, it's about the same as Santa, with gifts if you've been good and everything. We don't do gifts for Christmas.
I really hope I can learn my children it's not about how much or how big, but I suppose once they're in school there are other influences to consider (although perhaps less in the Waldorf school they'll be going to). Happy Thanksgiving!

Christine

[Sarah]

I grew up in a a home where lots and lots of presents was the norm. It was really hard for me at first to scale back for my kids, but it was so clear that less really was more. We'll be doing a special hand-crafted Christmas Eve. They'll each get one big gift they're dying for, and aside from some books, that's it. They treasure what they get and each year are choosier about what to ask for.

I loved your story and your thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

[geek+nerd]

Great post! It expresses exactly how I feel about the holidays! I'm sad to say that we actually have that monstrosity of a robot in our apartment. My in-laws insist on buying my husband at least one "toy" every year (my husband is 29!!!) Every year they sit and gather dust, and Matt can't stand to give them away because "my dad bought it for me!" Sigh. Maybe I can convince him to give it to charity to make some little one happy :P

[Betts]

What a terrific post. I asked Pipsqueak recently if she minded have clothes that weren't brand new (she does have some). She said "no, because usually you can't tell." Then I told her that because I bought a lot of her clothes at 2nd hand store, she got to have more clothes. She definitely liked the sound of that.

[Thimbleina]

Great post. It is really heartwarming when our children get the lessons that we try to instill.
I must admit that in the past I have been guilty of looking at the presents and thinking have I got enough for them? or Will they be happy with this? and then gone out and bought other things, no longer.