a little honesty

I had a business consultation with a coach a few weeks ago. I started to feel weird again regarding business. For those that know me, I switch roles more often than my seasonal wardrobe. Some of her (Holly's) advice was a bit brutal but good to hear. Especially after I got over myself. I asked the question I always ask myself: "What do I want to be when I grow up?". I'm turning 37 in April and I still don't have an answer to this question. Luckily Holly did. She told me "focused". That's what I am going to be. It won't mean I'm a doctor, lawyer or teacher. But I will somewhere find the discipline to be focused in my life.

I mean it's obvious in one way, but in another way I never ever considered trying to be focused. I mean I'm a scanner, focus is really the last thing on my mind. Sometimes I feel like a butterfly just fluttering along in life with no destination at all. Holly said that part of my lack of focus is the fact that I can be at home. I'm married to a man who has a good job and brings in the majority part of our income. It's not that the money I contribute doesn't help, in fact last year we really survived on the extra money I earned. She said that in some cases, I would make more money working for someone else. I do much better when someone tells me what to do rather than being left to my own devices. I did very well at the cemetery. I started as a grounds keeper, made it to cemetery supervisor (I think my organizational skills helped nail that one) and eventually I was promoted to work in the office full time. I excelled partly because I tend to have good communication skills or maybe it's just that my dad taught me to say my pleases and thank yous.

I love being self-employed though but I do lack focus. Part of the reason I chose my post header is that I wanted to be honest about this blog. I don't' know if many of you have followed me on this blog since the beginning. I started off strong and my obsessive nature really put everything into the blog. I wrote nearly every day. Yet one day I went to write and it was almost as if I didn't have any words to say. Remember when Forrest Gump ran until he was finished? It's like that for me.

I switched computers at that time from a PC to a Mac and I couldn't get my photos to load correctly. I lost my passion for blogging and instead focused in the direction of book selling. I began to post monthly on my blog with many people writing me to say that they missed me. I felt guilty but I just couldn't force myself to write. I think this is a trait among scanners. It's hard to force us to do something when our soul has lost the emotion.

I felt that I had come home as a bookseller. My great grandmother Nanette, had a used book store in Berkeley in the 1920's. I still own some of those very books including an original Maxfield Parrish book full of his illustrations. I treasure this book and often think about Nanette and her book store. I put my all into my books and quickly went from selling a mere $500 a month to $4000 a month in just six months. I worked and worked and worked until this last summer. When Dave and I were driving down to CA for our summer vacation I once again felt frustrated in the work department. I didn't like the competitive nature of other booksellers. Some were so mean and I backed away from their meanness. I like people with heart and who think of other people first. I felt that I wasn't cut out to be a book purchaser. As a seller I think I do well but fighting with those people just isn't my thing.

We decided that I should refocus on my blog and take a break from book selling. I'm a huge dreamer and always had the vision of earning millions of dollars for some idea that I haven't quite found yet. Being a thrifter has given me such rich taste. I have no need to for cheaply made products when I can get such high quality items on the 2nd hand market. But at the same time I'd love a fancy Viking range to cook on and a sub zero fridge like we used at our last home exchange. And of course a swimming pool to go with my dream mid century home. Are scanners bigger dreamers than other people? I'm not sure but I know that I always dream beyond what I can afford. Which I am okay with because overall I'm content with what I have now. I love my house and my life. But I still am a dreamer.

I tend to want to find that job that will make me millions. I think I'm starting to let that one go though. I don't know if I have the focus to find one. I mean this guy made a million by one simple website. That's my kind of money making idea. I like it simple, quick and fun.

Starting on our vacation last summer, I began to write again on this blog. I took the weekends off so that I wouldn't burn out. The passion was back and I so enjoyed writing again and connecting with people. Not to mention creating new friendships. We arrived home from vacation and I could hardly go back to selling books. Each book I shipped I did so with a pretty bad attitude. I didn't list any books for ages and when I did so it felt like such hard work. And that is how strange it is to be me. I kept plugging away at the books though and finally in December the passion returned. I had to wait 6 months to once again love my book selling job.

I guess as a scanner or maybe just as me, when one passion rekindles another dies away. In the same month I started to struggle with posting on the blog. I took off two weeks or so during the great snow of 2009 and when I started with my post in January I ran into a photo problem. I still can't get photos up on my laptop. Maybe I subconsciously created the problem.

I'm so fired up though about books and reselling in general. I revamped my website and updated all of my services. I even sat with a notepad the other day and wrote down my dream job. Basically it is to go into a home and buy the entire contents and sort through everything.  I guess the official name is clean-outs or buying entire estates. I don't necessarily have the funds to do that but I came up with some services to get me close to that idea. I love the sorting and researching of this kind of work. It's what I thrive on.

Holly suggested that I really focus on the Finder Service. This is where people tell me what they are looking for and I find it for them. I love this idea. I'm already bartering my singing lessons in return for finding things for my singing instructor. It is such a satisfying feeling to search for something for someone.

This long winded email is really to share what is going on inside the mind of me. And also why my blog posts are not as frequent. I wish it wasn't as convoluted as it is but that's just the way my mind works. And again, I'm okay with that. I need to honor my passions and follow them but in a more focused way. I am going to try hard to still post frequently although the posts might be somewhat shorter.

I need balance and focus to be a part of my life. And if you are up for it, I hope to share my path with you as I take this journey. If you are a scanner, I imagine your path might be similar.

Comments

[Cassandra]

I'm wishing you luck on any pursuit you embark on. And love the posts here when you feel the desire.

[Sarah]

Good luck with it all. I am feeling the need for a new work world. What I would give to have a book shop (although I really don't know anything about it!).

[Betts]

Well, that explains it. I wondered why your blog posts had been a little less frequent. At least I can stop worrying about you. I hope you keep blogging, but if you take a break, at least I know where to find you.

[Breanna]

Thank you for sharing this post. I have never heard the term "Scanner" before, it is comforting to hear myself explained so well. It's nice to know I'm not the only one... Good luck on your journey.

[Apryl]

I think I could has written that.. except I never worked at a Cemetary, though I did live next to one for a few year. And I have never sold books only horded and loved them.

perhaps I will have a clear out of my head and heart on my blog and see if it changes anything going on in my life...

I think you would be brilliant at a finder service... what a great idea short of starting up your own estate sale company... though I file that idea away for future oppertunities you never know.

I'm so glad that you joined my swap last summer and we became friends though emails, chats, and Joss Whedon. I look forward to your blog posts whenever you write them for your wit, wisom, and thrifty finds.

have a lovely weekend!

[Apryl]

p.s. sorry for the horrible typing. *blush*

[Monica]

I just finished my first year of being self-employed after working for someone else for the last 11 years. I learned that I'm definitely not the most disciplined person when left to my own devices. I also do well when given a list of tasks or being told what to do and I'm good to go. Last year was one of the hardest yet the most rewarding as I learned a lot about myself in the process.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning ready to take off in 5 directions at once. Each direction has its own sense of urgency and importance and it is hard to decide which to do first.

I'm also striving for a sense of balance and focus this year. In my head, I know and can see what I need to do for everything to fall into place. I'm still working on the execution of it all. I look forward to seeing how far you go this year. All the best. :)

[Liz]

I hear you loud and clear sister. :) I believe you should just run with what makes you happy, and not worry about the rest. We'll all be here, enjoying reading about what you're up to from time to time.

[Jessica Thompson]

You must must must check out the book The Renaissance Soul! http://www.renaissancesouls.com/

I'm not going to be dramatic and say it saved my life or anything, but it did help me get a better idea of what to do and feel less confused and lost.

[Amy Zimmer]

Hi Selena,

You are a beautiful writer. You have the great workings of a memior here. And we will all be lined up to read it.

I had that pressure when I turned 40. And then guess what? I decided I liked me and I was less anxious about how I appear on the outside. It is very brave of you to share the workings of your mind and give us a chance to empathize and feel safe. You are gifted in many, many ways (I think you know that). I am so hopeful for you.

Lots and lots of love to you, Amy

[Debbie]

From one Scanner to another. Blessings!

[Sandra]

This was funny. Almost a year ago I did the same thing. I woke up went to blog and was done. I deleted my blog and don't miss any of it. I started a job I was terrified to do. I took it because I was so scared. Today. I would work there for free if I could afford it. Who knew. It was not anything I would have picked. I just got home and found myself missing my creative blogs I used to go visit. You were one of them. LOL thanks for sharing. Blessings to the future you.

[Puanani]

I know the feeling. I have been a Waldorf teacher and suddenly my path is shifting. A little focus would be really helpful right about now!

[heather]

i so understand, best of luck to you selena. be here when you can, or when you're inspired. i always tell people "i can only do one thing well at a time" - maybe i'm a scanner too...

i think it's wonderful to grow and change and evolve and succeed and fail and pick yourself up again. really, i do, all of it has a purpose.

[Deanna]

Selena,
thank you for sharing. I feel that way too. In all honesty, I want to stay home. I want to be a stay at home wife. I think we could make it if I stopped working but it would be a struggle...especially with my eye condition.

When my husband and I moved from Lubbock to San Antonio in May of 2003, I was going to stay home. When June came, I felt so un-focused. I am a person that needs structure. I have to know what I am going to do next, so the staying at home idea went out the window. Now I am wishing that I had stayed home to work on making jewelry. I'm 45 years old and I still don't know what I want to be. I love my job and I guess I'll retire there but in my heart I want to create my jewelry. I do sell pieces here and there to a clientele of eight and I do make enough to buy some spetacular purses (my fetish) or sock enough away for a rainy day.

I think we should do what we are desiring at the moment. I sometimes come across blogs that have those buttons that say "Blogging without Obligation". I don't think people should put those on their blogs. I don't think they should feel obligated to do that at all. Yes, we do become attached to each others blogs and when someone has not posted for a long while it's normal to wonder if that person is all right or doing well. I just keep going back to check if there is anything new. People sometimes need to re-charge their batteries and get a new perspective..a new outlook. I was gone for almost a year from blogging. It can be done. When you start feeling pressured about posting or it's becoming a bore...stop. Re-focus.

What I like about you Selena, is that I know when I come here, I am getting honest feelings and thoughts. Somehow your typed posts come across as soft spoken words. I like everything about you and your blog. I know that you will be a success at whatever you choose to do in your life.

Hugs,
Deanna :)

[Christine]

Oh Selena,
I know SO what you mean! I worked and worked on the dolls I was going to sell on Etsy and my own website, they are now finished (7 and two small ones) and they're just sitting there. I lost all desire to work on a website or an Etsy shop to actually sell them. It's like the air flows out of a balloon. I would be fine with whatever happens to that project of mine right now, although I'm still hoping the flame might flare up again like with your bookselling.
The advice of your consultant is good, to focus, I tell myself that all the time, but I also like what it said in the book (Refuse to Choose): go with whatever has your fancy at the time, it's ok! It felt like such a relief to me when I could finally give myself permission to just let it be ok if I stopped liking something. I kept beating myself up over failed projects and things I never finished, telling myself I was a failure or a quitter. To change that was big for me, and also knowing that I can adjust, go back or redo anytime. Nothing is set in stone, I tell myself that every day and it feels really good!
I miss your posts when you don't write because I recognize so much of what you say, and I'm curious to know what you're up to, but that doesn't count for anything. You must do what you heart tells you!
Christine

PS: I also have this tendency to dream big, always have.

[Tracey]

Well I don't think you are alone in being a scanner. I know that I get very excited about new projects but often lose the motivation before I get things off the ground. It is good to hear from you, as you always tell it truthfully. Happy focusing in 2009. Tracey

[Robin]

thanks so much for sharing and your honesty !! Have you ever considered selling your knowledge of selling books on line, I certainly would be interested in buying :) Blessings to you and your family.

[pat griffith]

I can relate to your situation. I jump around with my pursuits. right now my work studio/craft room is as cluttered as my mind.
OK my garage is too. many unfinished projects yet I hop into something new. I am so full of ideas, so many things I want to do. I was wanting to look into an professional organizer.

[barbara brown]

man, i could put the majority of your post on my blog and it would be just like i wrote it myself. your thoughts resonate so clearly with me. i'm glad you were able to put your thoughts into writing so clearly and find a conclusion. it sounds like you found a good fit.

[barbara brown]

i forgot to put my URL when i left my comment.

[Linn]

Selena, I totally relate to your butterfly nature, flitting from one thing to another. I love variety and newness and a challenge. Once I've designed or perfected or altered a project or a focus in my life, I'm ready to move on to something new. I'm trying to focus that variety into my writing, and sometimes it works out better than others. At one time I thought I should become an actress because there were so many jobs I wanted to do and things I wanted to experience that I figured the only one job where I could do it all (at least pretend to!) was acting! Trouble is, I have terrible stagefright. So I wish you the best of luck with your path, whatever it is. I can relate.

[Antonella]

good luck Selena
for whatever kind of life you choose to pursue and develop
always be kind to yourself and honor your passions
fellow scanner here!

hugs
Antonella

[Thimbleina]

Reading this made me think, this is me. Yes I too am a scanner and it is coming close to the time when my littlest will start school and I need to think of what I am going to do. I have so many ideas and I too need to focus.
I wish you luck and can't wait to read about what you do and how you get there. Please give me hope that I too could focus!

[mama nurture]

Ugh--I'm SUCH a scanner. Just finished law school, but have no desire to do anything related to law whatsoever...I am constantly coming up with ideas and new passions and then I quickly find myself back as square one. Consider yourself lucky that you can at least make money when you apply yourself! I am a non-earning scanner...