advice on raising a daughter?

Often when I discuss my children I hear from older parents. They offer advice, give suggestions and share their point of view of the world. I need some help today.

Cerys - age 9

During the last month my daughter of nearly 11 year has changed. She's lost that sweetness of being a young girl. She's lost some of that fairytale light in her eyes. She seems more knowing and with that arrived a quite obvious dislike to me. She critiques my weight, my clothing, my hair and me in general. When I speak to her her face often snarls up. Yet her father can do no wrong. If I'm annoyed with him she loudly tells me off in front of him. She rushes to his defense as if her life depends on it.

It hurts but I'm trying to be strong knowing that something is happening inside of her. Maybe it's hormones or just the fact that she reads all the time and is learning about so many things in such a short amount of time (she only started reading in January and now is barely seen without a book). When she is like this to me I speak firmly and say words such as "you may not speak to me like this" rather than shaming words or worse telling her how much it hurts. Sharing my emotions with her does nothing. It may even feed her anger.

Last night at dinner every time I merely spoke to her it made her angry.

Other times she more herself and shows a bit more love. I do get a quick hug in the morning from her in her sleepy daze.

2007 Sacramento, CA

Has anyone else experienced this with their child either son or daughter?  I'd love all advice on how to still have a strong relationship with my daughter even while she is pushing me as far away as she can. Or even advice as to why she might be doing this.

Comments

[Shopping Golightly]

The Love and Logic Books on raising children are helpful. Having read them, there's still a hurt in the mother just as there is a hurt in the child facing adolescence - and our culture/media is pushing children to places they do not belong. It disturbs me that any person would want to rush a child through one of the most joyful parts of life, childhood. That is just plain wrong.

Having a 13-year-old Poet and nine-year-old Piper has always reminded me of Elizabeth Stone's quotation:

"Making the decision to have a child – it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

I'm sending you sisterly love vibes through the Cosmos now. As mothers, aren't we all sisters?

[Shanna]

My son went through this same stage. At about 11 he became a "genius", he knew everything and I knew nothing. So no matter what I said, I was always wrong. It was about this same time that I met my husband and we were married. That totally threw the boy for a loop as it wasn't just me he had to be smarter then, now there was an actual father figure in the picture. Fun times the past 6 years have been, NOT! ;) Good luck. I recall acting the same way as a pre-teen. My mother had the patience of a saint to not have hit me over the head and buried me on the back 40 back then. ;) It will get better, just may take a few years.

[Jacki]

Of course it is hormonal, but on a spiritual level, my experience of Lukas is that he has 1 foot in 2 worlds- On the one hand, he still wants his Mom and her attention. He still needs to feel utterly connected, but he is realizing in a real way that he is an individual with thoughts of his own that he wants to voice. Sometime, it's understandable that it comes out all wrong and full of frustration. His latest thing is to shush me when I am saying things he doesn't want to hear- over and over again until I give up trying to say what I want to say, or if it is important enough, I have to get mad. I do think that a mom should point out poor and hurtful manners, but I truly do NOT take it personally. Like everything else, it is just a growing phase and an opportunity for learning appropriateness. And learning to be kind even when you are feeling frustrated is a valid thing to learn , so I don't hold back from pointing out hurtful behavior- I just don't hold it against them...

[Elise]

Well, I have two daughters that are now grown. Here is what worked for me when my daughters needed to create the space they deserved to become women.

I took myself out of the equation. It is not about me, if one of my daughters is struggling with that next phase of her life.

My only "job" is to love them no matter what. And that doesn't mean that I need to be a target. So, I got a book (of course) How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk.

And I got into counseling myself to get the tools to be the best mother I could be during the teen years.

And I did the same thing you are doing. I kept asking friends how they did it, and kept looking at myself to make sure that I wasn't being the teenager . . . after all, I am the mom :)

Your daughter is lovely! And you have done a fantastic job if she feels safe to express herself, no matter what.

[kristen]

Your daughter is so pretty! For several years I've read about the special relationship that you and your daughter have...and I have no doubt that your bond will return! One memory in particular was her wanting to spend her birthday taking the ferry to Seattle with YOU!

My daugher is still a bit younger, so I don't have any personal advice to share, but I remember taking a parenting class (I think it was called the 5 Love Languages of Children) years ago that said that the mother is so crucial during those early years, but as they get older it is the relationship that kids have with their fathers that takes priority to help shape strong, secure adults. (I'm not saying this is a hard and fast rule, but just something I learned in that class.) Even then, before we had kids, that made me a bit sad, but everytime my kids now show being more partial to their Daddy I try to take comfort in that. Hope this helps a little...

[Van]

I can tell from your archives that your children are your life. I respect that you pour your heart out to your readers about them and that their education and health are paramount for you.

I'm 24, single, with no kids and I'm not planning any for years...We're not too different in age or perspective but I do remember being a temperamental teen and preteen vividly so I'll offer that spin:

Back off and let her come to you. When she does come to you openly, you can try to have a heart-to-heart from there.

I'm confident your relationship with your daughter will get better. You are being loving and supportive- so there's no way things will not improve.

[Janet McKinney]

Arhh (or is it Arghh) the memories of a pre-adolescent youngster. Be assured, what is happening is very normal. At some time we all (well most) go through it with our daughters as they learn to differentiate themselves from their Mother. This is an important stage as they learn to become their own little woman.
The other assurance you need is that Dads are very important for the development of girls into young women. You need to be together in this - he will be the one who can influence her to treat you more civilly. He needs to assure your daughter that he and her Mum are a team - and he will not tolerate anyone, let alone his daughter treating you with disrespect. Then he needs to model how to treat you in front of her.
Yeah - no matter how close you and your daughter have been, this is a time for her to learn from her Dad on how men want women to be and to act.
YOu have done the ground work with the development of her personality. This will be the most influential to her in the long run - despite the seemingly contrary changes that will begin to happen now. Rest on the fact that one day that sweet, friendly young woman will emerge again.

Hang in there - eventually the turoil of the teen years will pass, but they are a rocky ride. Work as a parenting team. Just keep on loving her. When she says she hates you - respond, with "that is OK - I still love you" Let her know that there is nothing she can do to rock your world, and the fact that you will keep on loving her, and always be there for her. Shortly you will share womanhood together, and she will need you more than ever as a friend, confidant and model.
All the best

[Colleen]

I think many girls go through this--I did at a somewhat later age.

It's part of a process of separating--othering herself, if you will--from her mother. It's part of forming her own identity, separate from you.

She's forming a stronger relationship with her father right now and that bodes well for her future relationships with men.

That said, she needs to realize that whatever her feelings, civility and family harmony also take precedence. It's good that you've been firm with her about her behaviour. I'd also suggest that Dave have a talk with her about this, or the two of you together. I'm thinking perhaps Dave on her own as at this stage of her life she's more likely to listen to him.

Just my $0.02, from someone who isn't a parent but does remember that stage of life.

[Jacqueline Valenti]

I'm not yet a mother, but when I was younger I did this to my mom. It's just a phase. Actually, I went through a period of time where I continually told both my parents I hated them-- nothing I actually meant, just momentary anger; I love my parents with all my heart. I just remember there being an overwheleming surge of emotions...none of which I understood, and sometimes it caused me to act out. Drama really is the reality of childhood. I remember feeling like nobody understood me. There was a time I hurt my mom's feelings and she was trying to hide it, but her eyes weld up with tears-- that moment made me more careful, it matured me by making me realize that hurt feelings extend beyond childhood.
When things get difficult, maybe you could have her write you a letter expalining how she feels and why. It will help her reflect on what she's feeling and take away the cruel words that can be said in a thoughtless instant.
Good Luck! No matter what, you are raising an intelliegent and beautiful daughter.

[sraikh]

A lot of food advise. I have a 11.5 yr old and she is going through similar things. I have discussed with friends and they mention the same thing. Maybe its the middle school drama everyone talks about.

All we can do is keep correcting and then praying for the phase to go away asap.

Chocolate and wine helps a lot !

[sraikh]

food, I meant good..

[melina bee]

not a parent, but sharing my very strong and still vivid feelings as the first-born daughter, now almost 27 and LOVE my mom to the point it is amusing/odd to my friends (those who don't know her of course!)...
But I used to "HATE" my mom, starting around 11 til 19. Most girls my own age and women I know who have grown daughters now have experienced something similar. I believe it is actually a really normal way to assert your own identity.
At that age, I just remember wanting to be nothing like my mom, to be fresh and new, exciting etc. etc. and that anything my mom did was a form of control. But eventually, after rejecting so much about your mom, you wake up one day when you are living independently,see how tricky life can be and realize "wait, maybe she knew some things after all... maybe I can't just reject her example entirely..." From what I understand, many men experience a similar struggle with their fathers.
I think choosing what aspects of our upbringing and parents we reject and that which we will adopt as our core values is a big part of becoming an independent adult. I know it must be just heartbreaking to see the little girl part of her melt away (heck, just seeing it in my sister still makes me shed a tear, literally) but at the end of the day, I'm sure you didn't become a mom so you could raise a perma-child forever seeking your approval, but to bring great, independent people into the world with their own thoughts and actions. I might even be more disturbed by the idea of a daughter/son that follows your example blindly, not questioning his/her own identity and values at such a turbulent and emotional time in life.
I'd like to end by paraphrasing something from a personal letter I recently received from a 30 year old male friend of mine. He said how he had spent so much of teens and early 20s aggressively rejecting his parents' religion, culture, etc. Now that he is 30, his life is changing, etc. he said he had been doing some very very serious soul searching, trying to figure out who he is. He said his conclusion after months of meditation is "After all this time, you know who I am? I am my mother and my father's son."
she'll come around eventually : )

[Dianne]

I have three grown children, including two daughters. My youngest daughter treated me like this. My best advise is to ignore it. Your reactions are fuelling the flames. You molded her values before she was five. This too shall pass. Don't worry.

Dianne

[Kelsey Kelly]

Reading this makes me want to hug my mom and apologize for all of the mean things I said to her. I don't suggest this, but I do find it funny now. Once I told my mom I hated her in the car and she pulled into someone elses' driveway and told me I should go ask for a new mom then if she was so horrible, and of course I apologized and cried.

But normally I think we were able to keep our great relationship through all of the mean girl years because my mom didn't hold grudges or stay angry with me, she was always there to listen, I never felt judged by her, and she sort of let me be, within reason of course. She also kept telling me everything thing she loved about me specifically like my singing, how I did my hair, how nice I was to my friends, she complimented me on the things I did well,and always told me what a beautiful person she thought I was, how smart she thought I was etc. If I got in trouble she would say things like this doesn't sound like you, what's going on. She always gave me a chance to explain where I was coming from, and usually would ask what I think I should have done, and she would ask what I thought the consequences should be, I think sometimes I was harder on myself than she would have been. She would also ask me how I thought I was affecting the situation instead of telling me how I was affecting the situation. She held me accountable without blaming me. She also kept her own hobbies and friends as it sounds like you have done.
It sounds like you've done a good job with a lot of what I think my mom did a good job with. I'm sorry you feel bad, and I will be sure to tell my mom over and over how great of a job she did as I am sure she struggled with the very things you are going through. I will also not look forward to all that karma coming back to me when I am a mom. :-) You are a great mom it is obvious and Cerys will come around.

[P.]

My daughter (now 23) didn't go through this phase in quite the same way, but I do remember reading in a book at the time that around the ages of 9-11 in girls, the tendency is to pull slightly away from their mothers and ally themselves with their father. It's all very normal and probably an essential part of love and learning. She'll cycle back the other way probably when puberty hits. In the meantime, I would foster that relationship between her and your husband, give her some space, but insist on respect. Maybe you could do some role playing, the three of you, to illustrate what is acceptable and what is not, and why. When she pipes up in the midst of a discussion between you and your husband, he should tell her, in no uncertain terms, that "This is between your mom and I." He should back you up when you're talking to her or correcting behavior. The worst thing would be if there is a two-against-one type of collusion between them. Kids need boundaries. Whatever you do, keep your sense of humor and perspective. Things will circle back around soon enough.

[amy zimmer]

Most folks have said what I would chime in, AND you know me, I'll chime in anyhoo.

My oldest went through the same thing, it is quite natural for a girl to find her way and separate from mom and align with her dad. She is trying to figure out role stuff and is experimenting with growing into being a woman. So of course, she wants to try this on with the first man she ever loved, her dad.

That being said, I agree with not teaming up against her, so it is dad's role to tell daughter to be kind to mom when in front of dad. Civility is always expected. Use humor with daughter when she is being crabby, don't take it personally and if you can, be patient and choose when you need dad's attention and when it is okay to let daughter have it all. (Our daughter used to jump right in between us every time we hugged or kissed) And for heavens sake, don't give up the front seat! Enjoy Keiran's company and leave daughter home if she is being cranky. She will come back to mama...she needs your love and understanding. (It helps when dad showers you with kisses and compliments and makes you feel special throughout). xo Amy

[Linda Cloer]

OMG!! Been there, done that! My now 21 year old went through that phase that when she called us on the phone she absoutly would NOT talk to me at all. She wanted her DADDY! Happy to report that her Daddy sat her down and gave her a talk that she could indeed talk to me and did not HAVE to talk to him EVERY time. It got better, because when she called I would automaticly ask her if she wanted to talk to her Daddy. Eventually she got over it. Good Luck!!

[Rivka]

She is preadolescent and this behavior is so very normal. So do not beat yourself up as if it is something you are doing. She is doing a little normal breaking away and growing more independant. That is very hard on a child, too and to achieve that she has to "not like you" a little bit. But rest assured she adores you and needs you now more than ever.

I wish I could tell you it gets better soon....but this may last for a few years and you have to learn coping methods. I have a friend who has learned to laugh and says, "Oh I love embarrassing my children!" She tries to take it in stride.

As an adolescent I would not sit with my mother at the movies! In an empty theater...because *gasp!* she might laugh! or cry! or breath! and that was just too much for me...and yet all the while I loved her like no other.

Do not take it personally. Yes, it can sometimes be so painful. They sometimes act like that when you have gone out of your way for them, devoted a whole day to them and then they snap at you. It hurts. But realize it will blow over.

My youngest child has been particularly difficult in this area. When he *does* talk to me and we laugh and have a great conversation going...I just drop everything, pay attention to nothing else...and just go with the moment, completely focusing on him and our good relaxed time. It is emotional money in the bank. Look forward to those moments.

Remember, you raised her well. You want her to be independant. She is emotionally doing that but it is hard on her too. If she is annoyed by you then that makes the breaking away easier. It sounds crazy, I know.

Whenever my children would have to fly back to school after a vacation at home, it never failed that someone would get annoyed. It made the breaking away easier for them. Someone pointed this out to me and it helped.

Give her a little distance. When she says something mean, yes, calmly tell another way to say the same thing. Sometimes when they snap at me I tell myself "well, they have to do that." and it helps. It's not you...it's them growing up and away.

Just keep loving her. Instructing her on the behavior boundaries. Do not take it personally. Give her space. Be good to yourself. You are doing such a great job as a mother!

[Notablogger]

I have only a 2-year-old boy, so no experience to speak from, but I noticed in you post that you say she sometimes "more herself" and shows a bit more love. Who's idea of who she is or should be is that? Are you willing to accept a version of your daughter who isn't as affectionate as you have grown used to?

That said, I love my little boy cuddles and even try to incorporate extra cuddles into songs. Giving this up one day - as I know I must - will be terribly painful. I also watch my friends with older children struggle with it. Best of luck to you - persistence in love and kindness will win!

[Teresa Raines]

A very wise woman told me that the most important thing I could do raising a child on my own was to keep talking to that child. My girl is 12-1/2 now and although she snarls at me often now, we never stop talking about things. We go everywhere together and spend a lot of time doing fun things together. I'm teaching her more about crafting and selling. She's teaching me about the joy of having a daughter. Find some alone time with her and keep talking! Remember: this too shall pass.

[Barbara]

So much good advice here Selena. I would say the same. It's more than likely to do with the hormonal changes she's experiencing and also about finding her way from childhood to womanhood and a new understanding of the world. My girl is 13 and has changed so much this last year. Mostly pleasant but can be pretty rude to her Dad sometimes and offhand with me but we don't dwell on those moments. Pick her up on it and move on is what I do. Children are so in the moment and truly don't have the same understanding of emotions as adults do so there's no point me wailing to her about how much her actions upset me. Been there done that with number one - a big waste of time and energy!
Keep the lines of communication open at all times and create plenty of opportunities for her to talk. Never stop listening no matter how cross you are. Also remember to stand firm together as her parents, never give her the chance to play one off against the other. Good luck and you will come through this. Bx

[Michelle]

This is what scared me the most when the doctor looked up and said 'it's a girl'....the knowledge that she would be a moody teenager, she would hate me, she would think her Dad hung the sun, moon and stars. So far, at 13, it's not so bad. But I give her what I so desperately wanted at 13: the freedom to make choices. Did I want my daughter to get a short hair cut ala GI Jane? Nope. Did she love it? Yep. Was it worth letting go of how I wanted her hair to see that smile on her face? Oh yes, very much.

[Laura]

I remember acting that way to both of my parents, and have been through it with 8 of my 9 children. (The 8-year-old is still sweet, but I know his time will come.)

Be the adult you are. When she acts unkindly, respond with courtesy and love, but always be the parent. You'll never win her as her friend, but as her protector and the one who always loves her unconditionally. She'll be back in a few years. My 12-year-old daughter and 15-year-old son are in and out with me. Some days they love to talk to me and be with me, and other days they are mean, rude, and sarcastic. My 18-year-old just started college, after spending the summer picking fights and arguing with just about everyone almost every day. Every day she'd sneer at me and give me a count-down of how many days were left until she'd be "out of here."

Now, she comes home every week and texts and emails me almost every day, telling me how much she misses me, how much she loves me, and how much she wishes she could always be at home.

Hormones are part of it, and also a desire to move towards independence, I think.

Enjoy the good days, and try to make even the bad days good.

[Pamela]

My daughter is 31 years old.
My son is 38 years old.

Pamela

[Alejandra]

I dont have children. But I am a child :) Well I'm 25 now.

I did the same thing with my mother. I loved her growing up, but somewhere around... 7th grade, that was it. And I did almost exactly what you describe your daughter doing.

I'm 25 now and married and my mom is my best friend. I had a miscarriage and my mom came and took care of me (and my hubby as I was too depressed to even cook for him), she kept me strong and keep me going on.